For me, the answer is in the fruits of not forgiving, namely resentment. It took me a while to even recognize resentment for what it really is. I told myself that I was justified in my feelings and therefore it was not a true resentment, or I told myself I had forgiven someone and that it was okay even though I harbored the resentment inside. They say resentment is like drinking poison expecting it to kill someone else. I can tell you from personal experience that analogy is not far off from the truth. Resentment was killing me spiritually with each emotion I felt and resentment was the prime source of my unhappiness.
To begin to nourish myself spiritually, I had to identify each resentment in my life, what the cause of the resentment was, and how it impacted my life. I had to realize that it was likely that the person I resented was not trying to intentionally do harm, but was likely dealing with their own issues and resentments. I had to find a way to look at the other possible perspectives and condition myself to view the person as a child of God that could use my help and prayers.
It truly takes two to tango, and resentment is a dangerous dance. I had to be brutally honest about my part in a given situation that ultimately led to the resentment. Did the other person retaliate to something I did? Did I step on their toes out of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, or self-pity? Often it is our own selfish decisions that put us in a position to later be hurt. For the times I found I had a part in the situation that led to the resentment (which was nearly all of them), I had to take responsibility for my actions and attempt to make amends to those that I may have hurt in a given situation.
When this exercise is completed thoroughly and fearlessly, it leads to learning true tolerance, patience, and good-will towards others, even “enemies”. It enables true peace and tranquility to become the norm.
In the end, it was in the act of making amends that I was able to forgive someone else, allow someone else to forgive me, and (perhaps most importantly) forgive myself. For me, the act of making amends becomes a beautiful picture of the words our Lord spoke regarding the need to forgive others in order to be (not to mention feel) forgiven.
